From Anxiety to Anticipation
I see rainbows every single day.
This may sound strange, but let me explain.
Before I worked with Vanessa on a breakthrough, I held on to emotions and operated on what I believed were “truths and guiding principles” that clouded my mind. I had only limited ability to control my emotional responses. My anger was righteous. My fears overwhelming. My guilt smothering. My sadness profound. My shame haunting.
I had, shall we say, an ‘interesting’ childhood. I grew up in a very dysfunctional family with emotional manipulation, physical abuse, and massive insecurity. I moved from that into an abusive marriage where I was regularly demeaned and terrorized to the point that the courts were involved. It was beyond awful.
I’m proud to say that I broke out of those incredibly destructive patterns and, that when I met Vanessa I was in a good relationship and trying to be a healthy mom to the 4 children that my partner and I have between us. The part that scared me the most was that I was recreating my family’s patterns with my new family – stereotyping my kids to replicate my siblings patterns.
What I hadn’t dealt with were the unexamined negative emotions that created an anxiety for me that was literally eating a hole in my stomach. I was determined to finish my post-grad studies but it was a huge struggle. I knew it was part of my purpose but I kept sabotaging myself, playing the tapes over and over that I was an imposter and fearing what would happen when they found out.
It felt safer to stay small and hidden but I knew that wasn’t right.
Migraines, out of the blue, would shut me down for whole days. Backache would keep me in bed. Nightmares forced me, again and again, to places of terror and helplessness. Daydreams of inadequacy kept me from pursuing my dreams. Relationships with loved ones were suffering. My finances were in dire straits.
In my first session with Vanessa we got to the root issue.
It turns out that deep, deep down I believed that I was unlovable.
I thought I was being righteous but really I was desperately hoping to be good enough for people to love me. Once I had that awareness I could see how that belief had been influencing my whole life, and how it was making me miserable now.
My breakthrough allowed me to step back and gaze upon those “truths and guiding principles” with a clarity of vision and insight that I couldn’t even imagine before.
Thanks to Vanessa these clouds of negative emotions have dissipated and my mind is blue sky.
It really is incredible the difference between then and now. It sounds kind of silly, but how do you describe the difference between storm clouds and anxiety all the time and then they just disappear – Poof!
I have an entirely new perspective on how I interact with ‘toxic’ people in my life and I am able to watch them dance without becoming involved in their drama.
Before the breakthrough, I thought it was all my responsibility to fix and to listen to their problems.
Now I have boundaries about what I will and will not accept in my life.
I keep learning and growing every day.
Yes, there are still cloudy days, but I have learned how to deal with cloudy days. I understand and control the clouds and realize that they are not the whole truth. I can shift previously all-consuming negative thoughts and use the power of my mind to identify and meet my needs, to set goals and reach goals.
I’ve learned how to be friends with my unconscious mind, and the power that I can access when I get still and really listen to what it has to say.
I sleep better and I have a new outlook that is taking me to success after success as my life is transformed.
Vanessa allowed me to let go of shame, sadness and guilt as easily as releasing a helium balloon. Really. It was incredible how different I felt after we floated.
Anger and anxiety no longer stall me — they fuel me. When clouds arrive, I know there are blue skies behind the clouds.
The mind of blue skies would have been enough.
But each and every day that I live without crippling negative emotion, beautiful and inspiring rainbows greet me in the most unexpected ways.
Whether it’s the mental fortitude in the face of crises, the beauty of enjoying intimate moments without fear, or the thrill of breaking barriers that seemed unbreakable, working with Vanessa allowed me to change the landscape of my mind.
Life has never been more beautiful, more rich, more fulfilling. Because now I can see the most splendid rainbows that life has to offer.
Update: Four months later…
Funny thing, the first time I envisioned getting the job was in your workshop! Since then I have envisioned over and over and over and over walking across the stage at Convocation knowing I had a position. It didn’t look like it would happen.
But, that VERY morning I was offered an opportunity and that afternoon I walked across the stage having reached my goal! Almost unbelievable isn’t it!?
I secured a job with someone who is a really good guy – totally different than the person I worked with before the breakthrough. He’s really down to earth. It’s a good fit. Because I’ve learned to relax and set boundaries I’ve chosen to work just two days per week until September and not to put the kids in camp. This has given me the opportunity to really connect with them and build memories that could never be replaced.
– JD, Bradford